I’ll Be There For You (And Allee Willis Was)

If you search her name you can find a list of all the songs Allee Willis wrote and the purposeful way she lived her life. So I’d like to share something more personal.
 
At Allee’s memorial where hundreds gathered 2 days after her passing on Christmas Eve, and for which we were instructed to dress in colorful Allee attire (no black, please!) it seemed everyone had a story to tell about how Allee “saved” them. I kept thinking — there are so many people here. How did she have the capacity to save us all?

I take my story from a chapter in my memoire inspired by a conversation I had with Allee that resonated profoundly and changed the course of my life.
 
                                                                                      
The Gap

I love my life and what I do. I wake up every day and write a song. It’s like having a meal or taking a shower.
 
But last summer I got really depressed. The music business was changing and I had to reassess. Artists are getting younger. I’m the same age as the mothers who drop their kids off to write with me. I’m too late for a mid-life crisis. Maybe I should have had one and gotten it over with. It was the first time I considered asking my doctor for a prescription for Zoloft.
 
I wondered if there was still room for me in the music business. If there was do I even want to stay here? If I don’t want to stay here, where do I go? Now that I’ve grown up to be someone could I be someone else?
 
Every time I heard Coldplay sing “I’m in the Gap between the 2 trapezes” from their song “Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall,” my daughter Layla squeezed my hand so I wouldn’t cry. That made me cry more.
 
I spoke to friends who were compassionate and loving. They suggested my ennui would pass or the pendulum would swing. Others said maybe it was time to get out. All honest heartfelt responses. They made me feel better simply by listening.
 
Many years ago before anybody knew my name I was fixed up to write with Allee (“Boogie Wonderland," "I'll Be There For You,” "Neutron Dance") Willis. Allee was the poster child for unconventional. Famous for thinking outside the box. With her asymmetric shaggy hair and colorful baggy suits, she was the self-proclaimed Queen of Kitsch. Outside her pink house were bowling balls and gravel garden beds. Inside were collections of odd dolls, lunchboxes, Elvis statues, avant-garde art, vintage salt and pepper shakers and GRAMMYS for Huge Hit Records. Unfortunately, we wrote a couple of unremarkable songs (she wouldn’t disagree). It wasn’t until two decades later that I would see why Allee was part of my journey.
 
Over the years I’d spot Allee across the room at an awards dinner (same asymmetric hair and baggy suit). You couldn’t miss her. Recently I saw her at a birthday party of a mutual friend. I was fairly sure she had no recollection of who I was so I decided to find out. Not only did she remember me she remembered the names of our forgettable songs. She asked if I wanted to have coffee or dinner some time. I took it as sign that the Universe wanted us to reconnect.

I was in the middle of my ongoing funk the day we were to convene. I didn’t think I’d be good company. But I didn’t want to disappoint the Universe. Or Allee. So I went. I knew I couldn’t fake being cheerful so I told Allee what I was going through — about being in The Gap. Allee looked aghast. Without hesitation here’s what she said:
 
“The GAP? (As if she knew all about it.) That’s the best place to be. You are the most fertile when you don’t know where the hell you are or where you’re going. Anything can happen.”
 
That was it. She seemed quite certain. Defiant even. What an encouraging perspective. One that wasn’t an option from a multiple-choice list of things to say to a heavy-hearted pal.
 
Allee recommended I read a book called The Places That Scare You. She said the author Pema Chodron, suggests "we try to get comfortable in that place of least comfort. If we’re having a hard time don’t try to push it away. Have no expectation.“  It sounded like Pema Chodron was talking about The Gap! I had walked into that restaurant cheerless and dejected but I left I skipping to my car.  
 
A few weeks later I went to Allee’s One-Night-Only-One-Woman-Show. It encompassed all aspects of her life: growing up in Detroit, her work, her play, her hits, her hair. The stage was full of colorful props — plastic palm trees, rubber furniture, party favors. Production assistants buzzed about. Downstage left was her Tech Guy with a laptop who I suspected would trigger audio-visuals upon Allee’s cues. Upstage was a projector and a large screen which I imagined was for displaying song lyrics, photos and videos (she documented everything). Front and center stood a podium for Allee to lead the way.
 
When the show started everything that could have gone wrong did. The first video wouldn’t load properly. Then when Allee signaled for a song lyric to be projected, her personal iPhoto album popped up instead. She and Tech Guy held up a poster board to block the screen which started wobbling on the verge of collapse. It was a technological fiasco. Nothing went as planned in front of an audience of Hollywood Heavies. If that had been me I would have passed right out on the podium. But Allee just kept going. It certainly wasn’t visually dazzling and I can’t say the audience didn’t feel uneasy but the show absolutely positively went on.
 
The next day I had a meeting with Jay Landers at Universal Records. I go back with Jay. In 1992 He asked Albert (“When I need You”) Hammond Sr. if he would write with me and Albert said Yes. I was grateful.
 
Jay asked if I’d be interested in writing a song for Barbra Streisand. It should be Donna Summer/”Hard For Her Money” meets Beyonce/”Crazy In Love.” He envisioned a duet between the 2 women. (I knew Jay had a longstanding relationship with Barbra. I wasn’t sure how he was going to swing Beyonce). Regardless, as much as I would have loved to write that song, I didn’t think I was the right girl for the job. (Besides, I knew what a long-shot it was…if there was even a shot at all). Jay needed someone far more outside the box than I venture — someone who could fly by the seat of her baggy pants. I knew who that was of course: Allee Willis. Jay agreed. I thought I was off the hook. Then Jay asked if I would write the song with Allee Willis.   
 
The next week I was back at Allee’s after 20 years. Same bowling balls. Same pink house. Fish bowls filled with M&Ms and jellybeans. I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe this is the something that was going to happen in The Gap — we were going to write a big fat hit for Barbra Streisand and Beyonce. That would be worth me having lost my compass for while. Allee didn't think it was a long-shot at all. In fact, she was sure we were going to get it!

I asked Allee if she had recovered from the train wreck of that show (though I didn’t use those exact words). I thought she was going to say she was refunding every ticket buyer their money. Instead she said “Are you kidding? I’m working on my next show.” The glass doesn’t get more half full than that.
 
We attempted to write an EDM song without a backing-track to fluff us. We called it “Misunderestimated.” That’s not a word. But it should be. We snapped our fingers and sang acapella into our iPhones and with a couple of taps and swipes forwarded the voice memo to Jay. He loved it. Naturally there were a few tweaks. And then a few more tweaks. A few more voice memos. And then there was no word for about 4 months. Although Jay had warned us it could take a while we knew no news for that long was not good news. Finally I received an email from Jay saying the project had changed direction. Barbra was leaning towards an all male duet album. He expressed his appreciation and I know he was sincere. But that was the end of “Misunderestimated.” (I still love the title and I hope to use it again someday).
 
Meanwhile, I got a hold of Pema Chodron’s book that Allee  recommended. The passage that spoke to me the loudest was: “We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is we can never avoid uncertainly. This not knowing is part of the adventure, and it’s also what makes us afraid.”
 
I’d like to say I had a great epiphany — took a quantum leap. I’d like to say a sign appeared with fireworks and fanfare to let me know a seismic change was about to occur. It was nothing like that.
 
Here’s what did happen. Thanks to Allee and Pema I got comfortable in The Gap. I woke up every morning and practiced being brave. By no mean did I stop writing songs I just stopped working with collaborators who didn’t get me. If I had writer’s block I made soup. If I was anxious and couldn’t sleep I reminded myself it’s always better in the morning. The Universe was conspiring with me to make something happen as it had been all along. I just didn’t know what it was yet. I was in The Gap. I wasn’t supposed to know.
 
The morning after that conversation with Allee I began writing this book. I started walking with a spring in my step wherever I went. It was like I had a little secret. I didn’t want the Zoloft anymore. I was right where I was supposed to be: in pursuit. Feeling hopeful. And very fertile.
 
**
Allee Willis was the most fertile person I ever knew. It was contagious. We will miss her madly. The world has less color already.