New York State Of Mind
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about whether we manifest our destinies or if we’re simply subject to random twists of fate. Maybe a little bit of both?
I’ve also been thinking about doing a certain something for a while. It was really just a fantasy. Just like other fantasies I once had about being a songwriter, finding a soul mate, having a child. When they’re in front of you though, they are just fantasies.
I left NYC 25 years ago while I was still in love with her. I had only made a dent in the joy and the havoc I (believed I) brought to her streets.
While living there I visited Los Angeles on a songwriting trip or 2 (or 3), always renting a Cabriolet Convertible, driving over Laurel Canyon with night blooming jasmine in the air and wondering if maybe someday … someday, but not quite yet … I could live here — home to Joni Mitchell, David Crosby, Carole King. Any songwriter could relate. But alas, NYC was my mistress and as soon as I returned to her LA was a blur.
Then I met someone who lived in California. After 3 years of back and forth I packed up my stuff, closed the door on a coveted 2-bedroom Strand Book Store adjacent Apt (that I was finally able to afford thanks to my first music publishing deal), sedated my cat and headed for JFK, convincing myself I wouldn’t miss bubble-gum stuck to the bottom of my flip flop in the heat of the summer or the cockroaches!
I had no idea what I was headed for. Or did I? I just knew I loved the guy. A friend told me that you take your happiness with you. He was right.
Adam and I settled down in Laurel Canyon. Was that an accident? I doubt it. Three years later we had a beautiful daughter. Made wonderful friends. I wrote some hits! 😁
LaLa land has been very good to me. I ponder this on a warm summer night in our zen-fused backyard — a soulful view of headlights on Mulholland and a twinkling valley skyline.
Our daughter is grown and gone … to NY no less. I bury my head in her pillow and recall how she used to order me to sit in that rocker until her breath was deep and body still. Time moves at unfathomable pace when it’s behind you.
Recently, I’ve been asking myself “What’s Next?” (2 of my favorite words) accompanied by a sense of ‘now or never.’ (Covid has a lot to do with that.) I’ve joked, flirted, threatened, dared myself to get a little place on the upper west side of Manhattan. I adore the woodsiness of canyon life but I miss the buzz of the city terribly — the fast paced culture and people at my finger tips. The magic of Central Park and Riverside Drive. My east coast comrades, my sister, my niece, my nephew, their kids, Adam’s Dad. And so … the guy who still loves to see me happy did the math and assured me we could do it.
Hello Ikea, Wayfair and Bed Bath Beyond! We arrived last week to our new humble home away from home. For the first 2 nights we had only a mattress and a coffee maker. I didn’t care. Heaven. College!
On my walk day #1 I had some thoughts:
What music will I listen to tomorrow when I run the reservoir?
The heat and sticky doesn’t bother me. There’s so much distraction.
Never buy a slice if you can’t smell Original Rays from a block away.
OMG — I’m that old lady with the shopping cart I used to laugh at.
Is==I wonder if there’s enough room in that kitchen to cook with Al (my father-in-law)?
Strange that I don’t feel the need to stalk my first NYC pad on 85th Street and pine for my youth. I am young (again) in a different way.
Oooh…goodie! There’s a Mister Softee! I wonder if there’s a Mister Softee locator App. I could use one of those!
I woke up on morning #2 to a giant water bug on the window sill. I haven’t seen one of those in 25 years. I whacked it with a roll of paper towels (like Woody Allen and the spider in Annie Hall) and flipped its carcass out the window with a post card. Gagging all the way. Hey, it comes with the territory. Literally.
But it all balances out. There’s that alchemistic nature of the universe providing when you follow your heart. For instance, on Friday right there on the sidewalk I came upon a pair of counter stools — the same exact stools I had been researching online (price, height, finish etc) earlier that day. There were a couple of screws missing but so what? I trotted them back to my kitchen. And as I trotted I heard a street band playing a very ‘loungy’ version of “Don’t Let Me Down.” NY never does. And besides, it was live music! 😃
The Health App on my phone says I walked 6 miles today. I’m sure 4 of them were up and down the aisles of Home Depot on 23rd Street. I am tired. And the heat does take its toll. I’ll probably be longing for my Laurel Canyon backyard in another week. So I guess I can compare coming to NY with being a grandparent who can hand their grandchild back when they’ve had enough. I’ll gladly return to the movie stars In their fancy cars and their limousines and — to my Hollywood entertainment-biz warm and caring friends who I cherish and on whom I depend beyond words.
But every couple of months I can come back and continue what I never finished here.
Sometimes I can’t believe that there are more years behind me than there are in front. So I’d better stop making excuses. Life is short. One day shorter every day.
Perhaps we manifest our destiny via an unconscious poetic plan. We have the power. When it’s in front of us is all fantasy but when it’s behind us it all starts to makes sense.
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